Programme vs. Project Execution

Trilogy Finale: The Pigeon Strikes Back - Wherein Everything That Could Go Wrong, Does¶

Previously on The Caffeine Chronicles: Bean & Balance launched "Brewtopia" (Programme) and the loyalty app (Project). Pigeon Sr. filed a GDPR lawsuit. Pigeon Jr. got promoted. Gavin renamed variables. And somewhere, a Subject Matter Expert quietly wept into their Sainsbury's Basics oat milk.

Scene 3: Programme Execution – "When the Cafés Fight Back"¶

Setting:
Six months post-launch. The boardroom now resembles a war room, complete with a "Days Since Last Crisis" counter permanently stuck at zero. Pigeon Jr. (🕊️💼) has acquired a lanyard reading "Strategic Alignment Officer" and won't stop quoting The Art of War during stand-ups.

The Situation:
Brewtopia's 12 interdependent projects are executing simultaneously. Which is consultant-speak for "simultaneously combusting."

Programme Manager's Execution Challenges:

Benefit Realisation (Or: "Where's the Bloody ROI?")
- Original Promise: "Carbon-neutral cafés = 30% more customers who care about the planet!"
- Current Reality: "Carbon-neutral cafés = 30% higher costs, and customers still just want cheap flat whites."
- Pigeon Jr.'s Take: "According to Sun Tzu, 'All warfare is based on deception.' Perhaps we've simply been too honest about our bean tariffs?"
Inter-Project Dependencies (Or: "Everything Breaks At Once")
- The Anti-Pigeon Laser Defence System can't launch because the Carbon-Neutral Beans Project redirected the budget to fund Pigeon Sr.'s legal fees.
- The Loyalty App keeps crashing because Gavin's Re-education Programme hasn't started yet, so Gavin's still deploying code with comments like // YOLO this works trust me.
- Marketing's Ex-GBBO Barista Campaign collapsed when Mary Berry, patron saint of sponge cakes and GBBO royalty, politely declined, citing "concerns about workplace pigeon harassment."
Change Management (Or: "Why Is Everyone Crying?")
- Cafés 1-50: "We like the new system!"
- Cafés 51-100: "We're boycotting oat milk until you reinstate the old tills!"
- Cafés 101-200: "We've unionised with the pigeons. Demands: shorter queues, longer breaks, and recognition that decaf is a valid lifestyle choice."
- Programme Manager: "I need to get all 200 cafés aligned on—"
- Pigeon Jr.: "Sun Tzu says, 'In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity.' May I suggest a pigeon-mediated conflict resolution summit?"
- Programme Manager: "Pigeon Jr., I'm going to need you to stop talking and start filing the quarterly benefits report."
Governance Theatre
- Monthly Steering Committee Meeting:
  - Finance asks why we're £2 million over budget.
  - Programme Manager blames Brexit, inflation, and "unforeseen pigeon-related litigation."
  - Pigeon Sr. (🕊️👔) appears via Zoom from his solicitor's office, pecks aggressively at the camera, and demands the minutes reflect his "concerns regarding systematic oat milk profiling by state-funded health tracking systems."
  - Legal sighs. Audibly.

Scene 4: Project Execution – "Gavin's Redemption Arc (Sort Of)"¶

Setting:
A cramped desk beside the Sainsbury's café toilets. The "App Requirements" document now has 47 tracked changes, 23 of which are just Pigeon Jr. adding emoji. The Project Manager has developed a twitch.

The Situation:
The loyalty app launched on time (a minor miracle) but immediately started behaving like a caffeinated squirrel with access to the production database.

Project Manager's Execution Challenges:

Scope Creep: The Revenge
- Week 1 Post-Launch: App awards points. Users happy.
- Week 2: Marketing demands a "Share Your Latte on Instagram" feature.
- Week 3: Finance wants real-time spend analytics "because the pigeons might be committing VAT fraud."
- Week 4: Gavin suggests integrating blockchain. Everyone pretends not to hear him.
- Week 5: Pigeon Jr. claims the NHS app data proves his father's lawsuit has merit and demands the loyalty app display a "GDPR solidarity banner."
Quality Control (Or: "It Works On My Machine")
- Bug #1: App crashes when users order "extra hot" beverages.
  Fix: Remove temperature options. Blame climate change.
- Bug #2: Loyalty points randomly multiply by 7 on Thursdays.
  Fix: Rebrand as "Thirsty Thursdays™." Finance livid.
- Bug #3: Pigeon Sr. claims the app is "tracking his movements across Greater London" because it sent him a push notification when he was near a Costa.
  Fix: Disable location services. Marketing livid. Pigeon Sr. still suspicious.
Resource Management (Or: "Where's the Subject Matter Expert?")
- Original Plan: 1 developer, 2 testers (1 SME), deploy smoothly.
- Current Reality:
  - Developer quit to become a potter in Devon.
  - SME tester stuck writing affidavits for Pigeon Sr.'s lawsuit.
  - Non-SME tester promoted to developer, now frantically Googling "what is API."
  - Gavin reappears, offers to "help," accidentally deletes the staging environment.
Stakeholder Appeasement
- Marketing: "Why isn't Mary Berry promoting us on Instagram?"
- Finance: "Why are Thirsty Thursdays™ bankrupting us?"
- Legal: "Why is Pigeon Sr. CCing me on emails titled 'Data Rights and My Inalienable Right to Soya Milk'?"
- Project Manager: "I just need everyone to calm down for—"
- Gavin: "What if we made the app NFT-compatible?"
- Everyone: "GAVIN, NO."

Pigeon Executions: A Side-by-Side Breakdown¶

Programme Execution	Project Execution
Pigeon Jr. (🕊️💼) – "Strategic Alignment Officer"	Pigeon Sr. (🕊️👔) – "Litigant-in-Chief"
Attends 17 governance meetings per week.	Files 17 legal complaints per week.
Quotes military strategists inappropriately.	Quotes GDPR Articles inappropriately.
Proposes "pigeon-mediated conflict resolution summits."	Proposes "pigeon-led independent NHS app audits."
Blocks decisions pending "synergistic stakeholder alignment."	Blocks app updates pending "adequate soya milk representation in the UI."
Adds nothing of value but has excellent PowerPoint skills.	Adds nothing of value but has excellent solicitor retention skills.

The Takeaway¶

Programme Execution is like conducting an orchestra where half the musicians are on strike, the other half are pigeons, and the conductor's baton was stolen by Gavin, who's trying to "disrupt classical music with Web3."

Project Execution is like baking a single Victoria sponge whilst simultaneously putting out a kitchen fire, arguing with Trading Standards about whether buttercream is GDPR-compliant, and stopping Gavin from replacing the eggs with cryptocurrency.

A Tale of Two Crises

Programme Manager (in the car park at 11am, clutching something stronger than coffee):
"We've got three cafés threatening industrial action, Finance wants to know why we've spent the anti-pigeon laser budget on legal fees, and Pigeon Jr. just proposed a 'strategic realignment workshop' that involves trust falls and oat milk tasting."

Project Manager (joining them with their own bottle):
"The app just awarded someone 47,000 loyalty points for buying a bottle of water, Gavin's deployed code to production that makes the till system play the Doctor Who theme tune, and Pigeon Sr.'s solicitor wants me to testify about 'systematic algorithmic bias against avian lactose preferences'."

Both (in unison):
"At least it's not Monday."

Pigeon Jr. (appearing with his lanyard):
"According to Sun Tzu, 'Opportunities multiply as they are seized.' Shall we discuss synergies?"

Both:
"It's Monday tomorrow, isn't it."

Both require Herculean patience. Only one requires explaining to a pigeon why his LinkedIn endorsements don't count as evidence in court.

Final Thought

If you see a programme manager and a project manager sharing a bottle of something stronger than coffee in the car park at 11am on a Tuesday, don't judge them.

They've just learnt that Pigeon Jr. has been promoted again—this time to Chief Transformation Officer—and his first initiative is rebranding Brewtopia as "Brewtopia 2.0: Now With More Synergy."

Pigeon Sr., meanwhile, has dropped the NHS lawsuit after discovering the app was actually tracking a different pigeon with a similar postcode.

Gavin's still trying to integrate blockchain.

And somewhere, a Subject Matter Expert is updating their CV.

Next Time on The Caffeine Chronicles:
Programme vs. Project Closure: The Pigeons Take Early Retirement (But Not Really)

Coming Never, Because Everyone's Too Traumatised